I'm not strong.

Since Ella’s birth, one of the most difficult things for me to hear are the praises and compliments on what good parents Joe and I are. I know it sounds weird. Everyone wants to be a good parent, right? Of course they do, and Joe and I want to be good parents. But whenever anyone comments on how strong we are, or how wonderful we are to take such good care of Ella, I get really uncomfortable and honestly, a bit annoyed. I’m speaking mainly for myself, although I’m sure Joe would say the same thing.

Several weeks ago I came across this quote and it summed up everything I have thought since the day Ella was born and people started talking about our strength.

“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.”

When people tell us how “amazing” we are and say that they just couldn’t handle what we go through, I usually ask one question. “If tomorrow the doctor called you and said, ‘I’m sorry to tell you, but your baby has cancer.’ What would you do?” They usually shrug and say that they don’t know. I’ll tell you what you would do…you’d start fighting. And you’d wake up every morning and put one foot in front of the other, and you’d spend your day fighting. And before bed each night you’d get down on your knees and pray for a miracle and for the strength to wake up the next morning to continue the fight.

Here’s the reality, we aren’t strong. We’re not any stronger than anyone reading this blog. We have just been put in a situation where we have to be strong. We didn’t have a choice. God didn’t come to us before we got pregnant and say, “Hey, I know you and Joe are busy people, but I wondered if it would be ok with you if I gave you a daughter with a very rare skin disease. It’s going to be a lot of work and it’s going to put you both through struggles like you never imagined, so I just wanted to run it by you before this baby is born. Are you ok with that?” No one sees our life behind closed doors. You don't see the tears of defeat when we've had a terrible bandage change or Ella screamed through her entire bath because the water stings so bad. You don't hear the sobs of sorrow when all you want is for your kid to get better, but instead it seems as though she's getting worse. You aren't there when I look at Joe and say, "I need a break" and I escape to the mall for a couple of hours. If others see any strength in us, it’s only because Christ has provided the strength. Without our Heavenly Father carrying us through the past 3 years, we wouldn’t have made it…and that’s the truth.